It's no surprise, really. I'd be pretty upset--fuck, I am upset at the lies, the shady activities, the risks... I still wonder how true that stuff they told me about how much danger I was in as an uncontrolled null was. Manipulating people isn't something these nice folks seem to shy away from, for sure.
I don't owe them... but I can't just walk away from it all either, not knowing what I know. Well, that's not all true either: I owe Robert, Max, Aeden, Susan, even Ringer... oh, and Lee, of course. But that's different: they're people, and it's mutual. There isn't even a Department to be loyal to anymore. For now, I can't do much; Marylou is all I can handle, frankly.
So why does this bug me so much? Why does what I know matter?
I'm afraid. I'm afraid for myself, but I'm afraid for everybody else, too. Marylou. The family. Rob, Max and the rest. The Fey--at least, the good ones. Everybody in Canada--the world, even! If this comes to war, I don't know what'll be left.
I didn't used to care about--well, I guess I didn't think about all that. I guess I cared, but it was the way everybody "cares," good intentions but no action. Now that I've been in the action, that just doesn't seem good enough now.
And now I can't do anything. Max and Robert, going off to Newfoundland to try to spy on D'Ange? They're nuts! They have no way in, and no way out if they manage to get in! If somebody there is pulling strings to move stuff in Ottawa, why not look harder in Ottawa? Find out who's running the show at DND. Who are they connected to? What's their agenda? Who benefits? That'll pinpoint what's going on far better than skulking around in 12 feet of snow!
I hope they're okay. God, I hope they're okay... that bitch scares me. She's ... focussed. She's crazy, but that deadly kind of crazy that pulls everybody else along. And it always goes so wrong. If they get caught, they're dead; Max had better keep quiet, and Robert, well, I just hope he doesn't fuck up.
Damn, I hope Marylou settles down... I need her now. Things have gotten so crazy... I need normal. I need life, with death drawing so near to us all.
I'd better stop smoking this shit and get some sleep. If I can.
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timeasmymeasure
Sean
Date: 2005-06-06 05:25 pm (UTC)I don't owe them... but I can't just walk away from it all either, not knowing what I know. Well, that's not all true either: I owe Robert, Max, Aeden, Susan, even Ringer... oh, and Lee, of course. But that's different: they're people, and it's mutual. There isn't even a Department to be loyal to anymore. For now, I can't do much; Marylou is all I can handle, frankly.
So why does this bug me so much? Why does what I know matter?
I'm afraid. I'm afraid for myself, but I'm afraid for everybody else, too. Marylou. The family. Rob, Max and the rest. The Fey--at least, the good ones. Everybody in Canada--the world, even! If this comes to war, I don't know what'll be left.
I didn't used to care about--well, I guess I didn't think about all that. I guess I cared, but it was the way everybody "cares," good intentions but no action. Now that I've been in the action, that just doesn't seem good enough now.
And now I can't do anything. Max and Robert, going off to Newfoundland to try to spy on D'Ange? They're nuts! They have no way in, and no way out if they manage to get in! If somebody there is pulling strings to move stuff in Ottawa, why not look harder in Ottawa? Find out who's running the show at DND. Who are they connected to? What's their agenda? Who benefits? That'll pinpoint what's going on far better than skulking around in 12 feet of snow!
I hope they're okay. God, I hope they're okay... that bitch scares me. She's ... focussed. She's crazy, but that deadly kind of crazy that pulls everybody else along. And it always goes so wrong. If they get caught, they're dead; Max had better keep quiet, and Robert, well, I just hope he doesn't fuck up.
Damn, I hope Marylou settles down... I need her now. Things have gotten so crazy... I need normal. I need life, with death drawing so near to us all.
I'd better stop smoking this shit and get some sleep. If I can.
I Just wish I knew what to do...